Prologue

Anna stood in the hallway outside the surgical waiting room. She couldn’t sit in the pastel walled room any longer; it had already been six hours. The surgery should not have taken this long, the doctor had told her two hours would be the maximum, no one had come to tell her what was going on. She turned the rosary bracelet on her wrist absent-mindedly. She had said the rosary so many times that she didn’t think she could make it through another one. She had been praying since the night before that everything would be fine, that the surgery would go well, and this would all be just a bad dream.

She looked up as the doors at the end of the hallway opened, she recognized the nurse that came out, he was one of the OR nurses who had gone in with her Tyler. His eyes were serious and she knew what he had come to tell her would not be happy news. She pushed herself away from the wall and met him halfway; she noticed he had trouble meeting her eyes.

“Dr. Craven would like to meet you in the Quiet Room, will you come with me?” he said softly; his eyes begging her not to ask him any questions.

Unable to find her voice, she nodded and let him lead her through the maze of hallways that made up the surgical floor of the hospital. She was silent; preparing herself to hear the words that she knew to be coming. He pushed open a door and showed her into a small white room with a table and four chairs, he pulled a chair out for her. When she was seated, he took the chair next to hers.

“You don’t have to wait with me,” she said trying to smile while her eyes stung with hot tears she couldn’t let spill over.

“I promised Dr. Craven I would.” He was back to not looking directly at her.

The door opened behind them a few moments later, and the surgeon, Dr Stephen Craven, walked in. He looked much older than his fifty-six years; he also looked as though he was fighting tears. She was a little startled to see a nun with him, she struggled harder against the tears, and all of the hope was slipping away.

“Anna, I’m sorry, so very sorry,” Dr Craven looked pained, “Tyler’s heart was much weaker than we originally thought. The damage was so bad that his little heart couldn’t survive the move back off the heart/lung machine. We did everything we could, but…” his voice trailed off.

“Miss Collins, in times like these we must be strong when it seems that all strength is gone,” the nun said, meaning to be helpful.

Anna sat staring at the wall over the surgeon’s shoulder, unable to breathe. Gone? Her son could not be gone; he had kissed her and said he would see her later as they wheeled him down the hallway to surgery. He had been full of life when he waved to her as the swinging doors closed behind his gurney. He wasn’t gone, it wasn’t possible.

“Miss Collins?” a hand touched her shoulder; she looked away from the point on the wall to see the nurse trying to see if she was okay.

“I…” she paused unsure what to say, “I want to see him.”

The doctor’s eyes glistened with unshed tears, “Of course, is there someone you would like us to call. His father, someone in your family?”

“No, there’s no one to call. I’d like to see my son now.” She stood from her chair and made for the door.

“They are cleaning up right now, it will be a few minutes before you can see him.” The doctor said.

“I will see him now, Doctor. You will let me see him now.” She said softly but with resolve in her voice that the man could not miss.

“Come with me,” he nodded, “But you need to be prepared, it looks bad.”

“You’ve just told me my son is dead, what could be worse?” she pushed past him into the hallway.

The long walk to the OR theater gave her the time she needed to come to terms with what she was about to do. The doctor motioned for her to wait outside the room; he entered and came back for her a few moments later. He stopped her at the threshold, “Are you sure there is no one we can call for you?”
“I’d like to be alone with him if you don’t mind,” she said fighting the urge to push him out of the way. He nodded and stepped aside and let her in. The two nurses still inside kept their eyes down, and walked out of the room leaving just her and her boy.

She walked over to the surgical table, he lie there looking like he was sleeping, she felt the burning in her eyes and throat threaten to overwhelm her. She took his little four-year-old hand in hers, and kissed it, leaving it at her lips she let the tears fall.

“Oh baby.” The sob ripped from her body breaking the words apart on her lips, “My baby, I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry.”

She couldn’t help herself; she picked him up his still little body and held him close to her. She pictured him as he had been that morning, smiling and, despite being scared, laughing. They had watched Aladdin, and she had combed his hair so he could look good for the nurses. Anna had promised him a trip to Disney World; she had been saving the money for almost a year without telling him, Tyler was so excited. He had let her kiss him repeatedly though it usually bothered him when she did so.

The tears that blurred her vision stung her skin like acid. She held him and rocked him; she sang his song to him, their special song that she had sung to him since he was born. It had always been just the two of them, now it was just her. Her parents were in New York, Tyler’s father was a non-factor, and she had not bothered to make many friends in New Orleans after she moved there, preferring to devote herself to her life with her son.

She stroked his soft brown hair with her fingers, and had just laid him back down when she heard the door open behind her. She didn’t bother to look to see who it was, she didn’t care. The world outside that room would have to wait, she was saying goodbye to her son, to her life.

“I love you baby, I love you so very much. I don’t think I can do this without you, but I’m going to try. For you I’m going to try.” She brushed his hair back, kissed his forehead, and turned to face Dr. Craven. The tears drying up instantly, she walked to the door.

“I’m very sorry, Anna. Sister Mary is waiting for you, she will take you through the steps of selecting what you would like to do next.” He took her hand in his, “Do you need anything? I can give you something to help you sleep tonight if you’d like.”

She shook her head, “I don’t trust myself not take a bottle of pills if I have them, but thank you.”

“Will you be alright?” he asked her.

“No,” she looked him in the eye, “I will never be okay again.”