Chapter 1 Part 1

Chapter One

It had been a long and painful day. She watched the too small casket being lowered into the ground; wishing she were in there with her son. In all her life, she had never missed her mother, dead almost 15 years, as she did at that very moment. She tuned out her grandmother’s theatrical sobs, the old woman had never even met Tyler in his four years on this earth. She and her paternal grandmother, Camille Levingsworth-Collins, had never been close; and their estrangement became more pronounced after Anna’s mother died. When she had gotten pregnant while unmarried, Camille had told her she was an embarrassment to the family, Anna had told her that if she felt that way Anna would be happy to no longer be a part of the family. Anna’s father, horrified by his mother’s attitude, had frequently flown to New Orleans to see Tyler and Anna. Anna didn’t hate her grandmother, she just didn’t care about her at all, and the feeling was mutual. Her grandmother couldn’t love her because she was too busy being in love with herself. Her father, Atticus Collins, had provided all of the parental love Anna had ever needed throughout her entire life.

Even now he stood silently by her side, holding her hand instead of sitting at his elderly mother’s side. Atticus was as stoic as ever, Anna’s rock, like he’d always been. Anna’s brother, Brock Collins, and his wife Lena sat on either side of Camille, holding each of her hands. Brock had never been an affectionate man, which made his choice of wife perfect. Lena was an ice queen, no emotion at all, no matter the situation. Brock has always disliked that Anna was their father’s favorite, and flat out hated that Atticus never hid the fact that he preferred his daughter’s company to his son’s.

As the congregation broke apart, Anna stood silently in front of her little son’s grave. She felt physically unable to walk away from him. Her grandmother stood to hug and kiss everyone around her, and to thank them for coming. As the priest walked over to Anna to express his condolences, Atticus intercepted him, and pulled him to the side. Atticus understood that all things religious for the services were done because Camille had insisted, he understood that Anna no longer believed in a higher power that would let her beautiful son die.

The gathered mourners all left her to grief, none of them approaching to offer condolences as she stared down into the dark hole in the ground where her son’s body lay in its silver box. Her father, touched her shoulder and she tore her eyes away from the ground and looked up at him.

“I’m going to take your grandmother and Brock in one limousine and leave the other for you.” His voice was ragged with emotion, “I want you to stay here as long as you want. The gathering will happen with or without you there, and I know you’d rather not attend. I will make your excuses for you, don’t worry about it.”

“I’m going to go Dad, I just want…” her voice broke, she took a deep breath to stave off the tears, “I just want to say goodbye alone, but tell Camille I’m not going to embarrass her, I will be there shortly.”

Atticus’ eyes hardened, “Her embarrassment be damned, Anna. A ‘death soiree’ is not what you need be worried about.”

She couldn’t help but smile, “Thanks Dad, but she’ll make your life hell if I don’t go for a little while at least.”

“Then today will be no different from any other,” he said pointedly, “but…do what you feel you must. Just know I will understand if you don’t want to go.” He kissed her cheek and then steered his mother away from the crowd she held court over and to the limousine. Brock and Lena followed obediently behind her parents, never glancing back to where Anna stood.

It was only a few minutes before the rest of the crowd dispersed and she was finally left alone with her baby boy. She waited for the last car to pull away before kneeling at the grave, once alone and on her knees she let the tears fall. With the drop of the tear, she felt her heart rip open and bleed freely from the pain of losing her Tyler. She thought of his bright blue eyes sparkling with excitement, and his soft brown hair tousled from playing on the swing in their backyard. She could suddenly hear his robust laughter blowing through the cemetery on the breeze, and her arms ached to hold him again.

“How can I ever live without you, Bug?” she whispered, “How can life go on when I don’t have you to live for?”

It took her almost 10 minutes to still the sobs that wracked her body, after her tears were dried she just sat there looking at the flowers around the grave. White roses, Casablanca Lillis, red sunflowers, it was an overwhelming sight.

“It’s time to go now, Scout.” A familiar voice said from directly behind her. Her eyes closed as the sound of his voice washed over her, memories of happy times flooding through her.

She didn’t move, “How did you know?”

Michael knelt down next to her, “Atticus called. I got on a plane as soon as I hung up with him.”

She bowed her head, “I didn’t know Dad knew how to reach you. I’m sorry I should have called myself.”

His hand cupped her chin and pulled her head up to look at him, “Yes, you should have, but I understand why you didn’t. Come on; let’s get you out of here.”

She allowed herself to be pulled up to her feet and into a hug so tight that it almost hurt. She felt herself shaking, and tried hard to keep it together in front of another person. The tears wouldn’t be denied, and she was crying again into his shoulder. He whispered into her ear that he was ‘here now’ and ‘it would be alright’ which only made the tears fall harder. She finally pulled away from him, wiping her eyes and looking away from him. She couldn’t meet his eyes, not yet.

She walked to the waiting car with Michael walking silently beside her. The chauffer opened the door and took her hand to help her in. She slid to the far side to allow Michael room to get in after he gave the driver instructions. When the door shut she closed her eyes so as to not have to watch them pull away from her son’s grave. As the car smoothly pulled away from the curb, she felt Michael take her hand and squeeze it.

“Breathe, Scout.” He said softly, “Breathe.”

She hadn’t realized she had been holding her breath, but she exhaled the stale air from her lungs and inhaled fresh cool air. The simple practice of breathing hurt, there was nothing that she did that didn’t hurt. She was a raw mass of emotion and pain. They rode in silence for the duration of the twenty-minute drive to the hall her grandmother had reserved for the gathering that always takes place after funerals.

Michael took her hand to help her exit the car, and held her in place when she tried to ascend the steps to go inside. “I know you think you have to do this,” he said and continued when she tried to interject, “but you don’t have anyone to please. It doesn’t help you to go inside and let her wear you down, Anna. We both know that’s what she will try to do, so be sure you want to deal with this before you go in. We can leave right now, no one would blame you. If you want to be alone, I’ll have the driver drop you at home then go to my hotel.”

For the first time in the five days since she lost her son, Anna smiled, “Thank you, but I need to do this. I’ve got this, she’s been trying to wear me down for twenty-eight years, she started it the day my mother died when I was six, I’m not about to let her win one today.”

Michael relaxed visibly, “Well if I can’t talk you out of it, I’ll be right there with you the whole time.”

That statement actually got a laugh from her, “Camille will be so pleased.”

He smiled, “I never did understand why your grandmother dislikes me so much. I was a good kid.”

“You were the first ever boyfriend,” Anna whispered as though it was top-secret information she was spilling, “and not exactly what she had in mind for her only granddaughter. You weren’t at all appropriate for me in her eyes.” His expression was one she had seen most of her life, and as always it made her want to hug him. He looked positively shocked and wounded to the soul.

She kissed his cheek, “Why she dislikes you now is anyone’s guess. We were kids, and have been only friends for more years then I want to name.” He still looked hurt; and she laughed, “Buck up, soldier! I’m her only granddaughter, and she’s disliked me since birth. Trust me, she’s easier to handle when she doesn’t like you.”

She took his hand, and made to go up the stairs, she met resistance and turned to look at him, “What’s wrong?”

“Can I tell you something?” he asked smiling.

“Of course, you know you can tell me anything.”

“I wasn’t sure you’d be happy to see me,” he looked embarrassed, “I was a complete wreck the whole way into town.”

She stepped down from the step and hugged him again, “I am always happy to see you. You’re my Michael, my best friend for almost my whole life. I’m so relieved that you’re here, I don’t think I can do this alone.”

He hugged her tightly in return, “Camille isn’t that bad.”

She pulled away from him to look into his eyes, her eyes suddenly sad and serious again, “I didn’t mean her, I mean I don’t think I can survive losing Tyler if I have to do it alone.”

He felt his throat tighten with emotion as he watcher her sudden relief from suffering come to an end, “You’re not alone, you’re never alone. You’ve got me and Atticus. You’ll always have us. I’m here to stay as long as you need me. Just say the word when you’re tired of me.” He smiled when he said the last words, and he was rewarded with a watery smile in return.

She sighed heavily, “Okay, let’s get this over with.” Michael led her up the steps, and as he opened the door to the reception hall said, “Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…” his words were drowned out by her laughter.